Motivation.

This is more about my lack of motivation than anything. Who knew a simple, natural feeling like this would be so hard to achieve? There are a lot of things that I want to do and some things I really need to do. The bane of existence for the average angsty teenage will be taking stage here. That’s right, you guessed it: revision! What’s the other idiosyncrasy of adolescence? A messy room. Firstly, I’ll tackle my lack of motivation for revision. I don’t quite understand why this happens to me but come exam time, I seem to lack a certain drive to do work. Getting motivation is nothing but an aggravation for myself. I try to wake up in the morning to do hours of revision to be sidetracked by food, TV, films and the internet. I don’t understand how I accomplish this but I somehow seem to move completely off my main goal and lose hours of my day doing nothing.

It’s probably “normal” and just “what teenagers are like” but I feel like there’s a bigger reason. I personally put it down to physical lethargy. I believe that my inertness is inherited from my lazy, nothing days. I feel like I should start some form of physical activity in an attempt to get me vivified and energetic so I actually get out of bed at a respectable time, and easily. Getting out of bed is the biggest chore and it’s - yet again - “normal for teenagers” but I’m not content with the normality of teenagers for the reason of my own lackadaisical ways. I should start somewhere and start by doing something but the last time I “did something”, I wasted £15 on a gym membership that I was too lazy to even collect from the reception of my school.

Now, hopefully, from being up and actually having energy to do other things - other than vegging out and mindlessly immersing myself into a fictional reality - I’ll be able to revise and pass my exams this time. Get into university. Complete my degree with a first. Have a well-paid job. Become successful. To reach the last goal, I must first pass my exams this time. For this, I need motivation and drive so I actually work hard. I’ll have to have energy and bargain with myself that if I do one more past paper, I reward myself with a cup of tea or something which isn’t pathetically British or that, quite simply, isn’t pathetic…

At least I’m planning and organising myself now. That’s something I’ve never done before, hopefully this will lead on from here. My first exam is Wednesday and then my last two exams are a week Wednesday so I’ll be done. After tackling and smashing my exams, I’ll be tackling a bigger challenge. A challenge that Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Nelson Mandela wouldn’t even attempt. My room. My room is a pit of nothing but somehow everything. It has all of my essentials, everywhere. Hanging from different ledges of my room. In fact, I have fifteen things hanging from different things in my room. My radiator is crammed. The top of my computer desk is filled with random things like CDs, my camera, my shaver, my house and car keys, my stereo face, my blank DVDs and about a million other things which are completely pointless and unnecessary. One of my flaws is that I’m a horder. I got that from my mother. That and her looks. Thanks…

I’d have to get rid of all this unnecessary crap and clean it and move it about and redecorate it so it doesn’t look like a homeless man used to live here and collect things and try to connect them so he could contact his real parents who are aliens. Too far on the description? Probably. All I’m saying is this place is a tip, a landfill of not only my crap but my entire family’s barrage of crap. I don’t even have curtains! My neighbour’s back garden is actual level with my window and they can not only see in a little bit but they can actually see the entirety of my room. In fact, I’ve had someone tell my mother that they can see my room at night when the light is on and they live on a different street. There’s plan number two of operation “get the fuck up you lazy twat”.

How should I start? I have a few issues of FHM which always contain an “Upgrade: Fitness” section on how to get fit and are financially viable for me because they’re just “eat right” and things you can do in your own home and even using things around the house. I suppose that would be the best way to start instead of wasting another £15 on a three-month gym membership which will remain in the office with staff laughing at the procrastination and laziness of me. Even if I did pick it up, I’d hear laughing from the card itself as it got lost in my wallet along with my library card and, currently, useless National Insurance card; I’m unemployed and no one has even offered me an interview. Woohoo.

I still hear the laughter. In fact, I pre-emptively and telepathically, can hear the three readers bursting out laughing at the very thought and idea of me exercising and not losing interest with my short attention span. They’re probably right. I’ve completely gone off topic though. My point is that the physical tiredness that I inexplicably feel, is from nothing. I don’t mean nothing at all. I mean from physically doing nothing, I’ve exhausted my body into a lazy shell. Laugh away, you gits. Who laughs last, laughs longest. Who dare mess with the man with the fitness plan which came with a magazine? You know not of my abilities. I will shine through and ride through as a gleaming Adonis that all men will want to be… Not even I  believe that. It’s worth a shot though. It may help motivate me for more things.

University and school.

Here he goes, eh? Throw in mainstream music like Justin Bieber and you’ve got a “classic” rant from someone like me. I just want to write about this because I think it will help.

“I just remembered that I’m absent minded. Wait, I mean I lost my mind, I can’t find it.” - Guess the song.

Right, first off I’m going to start off with my indecisiveness and my complete vagueness. Some say it’s a positive to have such a wide range of things to choose from and potentially succeed in. For me, I see it as a curse. Let me explain why so I don’t seem like an ungrateful self-loather who will just be negative about himself whenever he can. As I’ve already mentioned, I’m indecisive. That’s because I am so mundane and average in everything that I’m not only scared that I’m not good enough to succeed at university level but what do I like? My ever developing and changing personality means I change interests every so often. What if I don’t like what I now pick? Potentially either throwing another year of my life or continuing on to avoid that and do something I hate and do that forever? Sounds more than just plausible to me. I wish there was someone who would help me or I excelled in something just so I wouldn’t have to put up with this constant changing mind of mine. All of the qualities I think I possess and all of the things I think I could do, the teachers, friends and family agree with meaning I am right, obviously but unfortunately too.

Let me throw some of the potential courses I had your way; Law, Politics, Economics, PPE, Mathematics, Civil Engineering, Computer Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Business and so on. All of those are possible for me to get into and maybe even get a degree in but I wanted a future. My courses were chosen on future prospects and job prospects. Steady wages, rather high wages and so on.

Either way, why am I still talking about this? My choices are done. My UCAS is sent off. Well, to my referee anyway. See, my reference still hasn’t been written yet even though I finished my UCAS back in mid-to-late September. I am a little irritated because they still haven’t finished it but I’m glad at the same time. Thanks to their procrastination (which I am amazing at) I have now been able to reassess me and reassess my courses and I think I’ve made more appropriate choices. For those who are interested. I chose; Economics in Cardiff and Aberystwyth, Law & Criminology in Cardiff and Swansea then the lone ranger and wild card of PPE (Philosophy, Politics & Economics) in Swansea.

Back to my reference. There is still confusion as to who is actually writing my reference. I want Mr Shaw to do it because he’s helped me with my personal statement since the start of the year and has watched me develop it and I think he understands me a lot more than most teachers in school, bar Ms Ellis and Mr GWJ. Then there’s Ms Vaughan who came to me today to ask me about UCAS when I told her I had clicked send she said she’d start my reference now. Uh oh. A bit of an awkward moment which continues because I asked to change because I thought she hated me but before half-term she complimented. Oddly, the day she complimented me was the day I came in hungover after a night out with the Year 14s (Me, Billy, Ben and Luke…Jared didn’t attend). That night consisted of mixing drinks and very heavy and fast drinking which then caused a riot in my stomach. Pointless description as you probably don’t care but I went to the reception to tell them I was ill and being sick and that I would be leaving. They sympathised with me saying I looked unwell and said I could leave and as I was leaving Ms Vaughan paid me a very big compliment, in a patronising manner. She was telling me how I’d turned around this year and that it was refreshing to see this eager student who was ready to fulfil their potential. On the day I come in hungover for the first time. Thanks.

I keep going off topic, I’m sorry. Either way, Ms Vaughan and I have never seen eye-to-eye and we’ve had arguments where I’ve been accused of antagonising situations. Now, she sees me as a model student of “it’s not too late” and actually seems like she adores what I’ve become. I remember the days of snide remarks of how devastatingly bad I am and how horrific my future will be without effort. She’s hated me since she taught me History back in year 9 and I think she’s glad I didn’t choose it for GCSE. I personally regret that. Now she sees me in this new light, who should do my reference? Mrs Rees thinks Mr Shaw is now doing it, as per my request. Yet, Ms Vaughan thinks she’s doing it. Good organisational skills school. I would appreciate it if I knew, even though Mr Shaw has already done it or at least started it. Hopefully, I’ll get a peek tomorrow.

For a first real blog entry this has been rather long and probably exhausting for you to read.

Next entry, I may tackle Politics as an interesting rant…what do you think?